Infinity

This to me, is Infinity.

Sometimes I think you and I are both trapped in a white empty room with a white-washed wall that touches a borderless ceiling and reaches out into infinity.

As much as we try to escape, we often find ourselves locked in, staring mindlessly at the colourless wall, weeping.

We weep at the infiniteness that lay beyond this wall. The infinite sadness and hopelessness juxtaposing the childish fantasies it once displayed.

Sometimes, I yell at this wall, and my voice reverberates across the infinity. The wall yells back at me, its voice hollow, echoing my very own innuendo, making a fool out of no one in the room but me.

But i don't mean to kick and scream at it. It once and still does hang beautiful portraits of you and I. Yet there is something cynical about the way this infinite beauty reaches out to no where. There is something cynical behind the smiles of the young couple in the portrait. Temporality guises the price one has to pay for such infinite beauty.

What if there was no end? What if there was a wall just as white and just high behind this one that was facing us? What if we escaped out of this yet find ourselves trapped in another room as similar as this? What if our presence here was a result of running from the same circumstances before? What if we never got out?

But what if we do? What if we finally found the way out but never find the way to stop finding the way out?

This to me, is infinity. You and I, we are infinity.


Friday, May 8th, 2009
(Adopted from my favourite blogger)

Intentional Ignorance towards Consequences

As usual, I post more weeks before my exams. It is a good distress, fair enough to rank it as a shameful excuse to be ignorant, to run away from my responsibility. Procrastinating on the most favoured Friday, surfing dominates me and jeopardises the packed study plan. Briefly, I tried new blogging sites and some hacks. Frankly speaking, I wasn`t used to the new environment but enthusiastic enough to find out. Transferring the old posts would be the upmost technical barrier.

For the sake of complete memoirs, I hereby update that I will tutor a twins in maths. With the highly enthusiastic in maths, I suppose it would be a piece of cake. Anyway, as the monotonous yet packed schedule of March end, the new chapter of my life in Taiwan would begin. Having more extra curriculum activities and joining the cutting-edge research in medicine, hopefully the demanding life would not flunk me out.

我受够自己每次再期中考后叫自己改过

It is a week before the midterm start. I did not do so well academically but my lappie is drowning me. I can`t help wasting priceless seconds despite deadlines and exams are approaching. I felt guilty when crossing the calendar, but time is on its pace while I am catching up neither time nor my study.

Reading the statuses in the MSN list, there was one that actually reflecting what I am doing. “我受够自己每次再期中考后叫自己改过。” In fact, posts that I wrote due to lack of motivation are a lot but the number would not stop here. It`s unhealthy to lost motivation easily.. Worst to the worst, the posts used to relieve myself lost its influence and I remain unprepared for the next exam.

Would due to emotionally unsatisfied? Or the mental malnutrition and unbalance spirit diet leave me in despair? I wonder how one beat himself up each time he was in grief, lost, worst, giving up himself. Yeah Chee was right, giving up it fairly easy, what`s harder than giving up?

Aimless arrow hits the ground
Aimless zombie goes in a round

Davis get a good rest and pick up the book as you should, no excuse… Somehow I am converted into a pawn that executes commands from the superiors. Hereby, I must command Davis to pick up your books. Waste no time.

Lost Track of readMe

Irreversible upgrading of my operating system initiated everything. Owning to lack of memory in hard drive, I am forced to format it which means nothing remains. “Massacred” of the data including favourite songs, shots, sites and contact that link me with others begins with a single not-so-well-prepared click.

The very last post I had read from her is a poem which was approximately 2 months ago. If I had not lost everything that matters I would not find out that readMe is inaccessible by public. This formerly abandoned blog records all her sweet memories during high school. I hardly find any connection between her nostalgic moments with mine. It may due to high dissimilarity; I indulged myself so much in the anticipated illusion from her sharing of bits and pieces. Being informed about the different sweet sixteen as a high school student, there is so much to fancy about her interesting and never-get-bored life.

Aware of readMe`s changes, there is a strong urge driving me away from books. (This shows how susceptible I am to emotion and distraction. Can`t help it) I tried to convince myself that`s technical errors that may recover by getting hyperlink from others` blog. Hence frustrating searching started as soon as the thought stroke me. My attempts were of no avail. In fact, I realised the exact number of contact lost is way larger than I though. Despite unaccountable efforts, I wish I was brave enough to beg her for an access towards my spring. I wish I would be able to learn from her, literally, emotionally and even professionally. Her sensitive is one of the indispensable elements needed in life, more specifically doctor`s life.

God, your followers claimed that you never create problem without a remedy. Would you please show my road? Can you hear the desperate knocking on heaven`s door?

Sweet-sixteen never repeat
Lost item hardly found
Thus, handle everything with care and passion
I want my access to readMe!!!!

Distorted State

Time flies too fast for me to catch. The short break is coming to an end. My thought has been distorted since I came back from Singapore. Knowing my friends enjoying their new furnished room and the never-to-be-forgotten university life, I can only green with envy. I made my promise, I don`t wish to change my path again, BUT I am really into mathematics. I have been preparing myself to be an actuary since form 3, excluding my interest and effort spend in math since I was small. Being back in the place where I well armed myself, I can`t help thinking if I am on the best path. I know all road leads to Rome, all I need is persistence.

After reading my friend`s father`s article, I doubt my decision is best. (http://www.sinchew.com.my/node/115151) Noticing the post was May 2009, the date was near to when he knew I am going to pursue medicine. I suppose this is what he wished to tell me if I was there to listen. I really worried if this career does not fit my personalities or it requires me to rearrange my priorities. No doubt, family always comes FIRST for me. Can I meet the expected commitment required, the time needed? I take medicine due to better pay for my family and enticing career. Hopefully I am on the right track!

Forgetting the motto of the path
What`s on my mind?

I will choose again after 7 years!
Don`t let the investment block my way to become Actuary!

Home-Bed and Desk

I was at home few days back. Wow, after approximately half a year I have not sleep on my bed. The long abandoned desk after my UEC exam is still so messy after my return. Yea, home is always the best and most comfortable place to be. Not to mention the differences physically, the tranquil atmosphere washes all negative emotion toward life. What more to request?

It is always a great pleasure to be able to stay up at the silent moment of the night while everyone falls asleep. Sitting on the red old chair which is my best comrade in all the wars during high school (SPM, mid-year and year end exam, various mathematics and science contest), I reminisce the nostalgic events in my life. I used to look back very often, but last semester I was too busy to do any review. Additionally, I am not allow to stay up late in hostel couple with the heavy load of study due to my high expectation in result, I think I rarely able to ooze any time out.

Unequivocally, I met Chien most. Actually I am quite sorry for her as she had to drive home at late evening. I know I had not do my part very well these days, e.g. I did not spare much time for you during my final exam, now I had not fetch you home yet. I know you won`t mind all those minute matters, but it is a flaw if I could not complete my task. Shortly, you will join the work force. I really hope to help you out in your first step, and I believe that`s all I can I do. Having different field of study, I don’t think I can give much advice later. Anyway, I do hope I can protect you as I always do. At times, I may be harsh and criticized too much. I all hope is you are able to have smoother career. I believe you have the instinct to excel in your life. I think I am lucky enough to have you. Knowing me inside out and yet accept all the “defects”, I assume it takes considerable patient and tolerance. For examples, your investment of 7 years before I become a medical practitioner. Hopefully the path chosen brings largest benefit for us! Don`t pull out from this project too early, it definitely will be blue chip one day.

Let the First Step of the Thousand Leagues Begin

Time tick-tock unconsciously, before you realize, he has walked a thousand mile. In the entire 2009, I have been reconsidering a lot of stuff. New goals to be achieved, new challenges that wait for me, picking up new set of skill, even the routine change dramatically, everything changes due to one decision. One that dictates my entire life, one that I reluctant to make but I chose it eventually, the decision that not only affect me, but even make the love one suffers, make my dad invested wrongly, etc.

Yeah, I am sure this would be the final answer. 2010 marks the start of my new life, without hesitation, without disturbance from others, even though with seductive noise in life, I would preserve till the end! I make my promise and I will make it comes true!

Life is a journey that requires persistence.
Live happier, Learn harder!