Perfect Quote--Set Your Deadline Wisely

Work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion. ~C. Northcote Parkinson, 1958

Infinity

This to me, is Infinity.

Sometimes I think you and I are both trapped in a white empty room with a white-washed wall that touches a borderless ceiling and reaches out into infinity.

As much as we try to escape, we often find ourselves locked in, staring mindlessly at the colourless wall, weeping.

We weep at the infiniteness that lay beyond this wall. The infinite sadness and hopelessness juxtaposing the childish fantasies it once displayed.

Sometimes, I yell at this wall, and my voice reverberates across the infinity. The wall yells back at me, its voice hollow, echoing my very own innuendo, making a fool out of no one in the room but me.

But i don't mean to kick and scream at it. It once and still does hang beautiful portraits of you and I. Yet there is something cynical about the way this infinite beauty reaches out to no where. There is something cynical behind the smiles of the young couple in the portrait. Temporality guises the price one has to pay for such infinite beauty.

What if there was no end? What if there was a wall just as white and just high behind this one that was facing us? What if we escaped out of this yet find ourselves trapped in another room as similar as this? What if our presence here was a result of running from the same circumstances before? What if we never got out?

But what if we do? What if we finally found the way out but never find the way to stop finding the way out?

This to me, is infinity. You and I, we are infinity.


Friday, May 8th, 2009
(Adopted from my favourite blogger)

Intentional Ignorance towards Consequences

As usual, I post more weeks before my exams. It is a good distress, fair enough to rank it as a shameful excuse to be ignorant, to run away from my responsibility. Procrastinating on the most favoured Friday, surfing dominates me and jeopardises the packed study plan. Briefly, I tried new blogging sites and some hacks. Frankly speaking, I wasn`t used to the new environment but enthusiastic enough to find out. Transferring the old posts would be the upmost technical barrier.

For the sake of complete memoirs, I hereby update that I will tutor a twins in maths. With the highly enthusiastic in maths, I suppose it would be a piece of cake. Anyway, as the monotonous yet packed schedule of March end, the new chapter of my life in Taiwan would begin. Having more extra curriculum activities and joining the cutting-edge research in medicine, hopefully the demanding life would not flunk me out.

我受够自己每次再期中考后叫自己改过

It is a week before the midterm start. I did not do so well academically but my lappie is drowning me. I can`t help wasting priceless seconds despite deadlines and exams are approaching. I felt guilty when crossing the calendar, but time is on its pace while I am catching up neither time nor my study.

Reading the statuses in the MSN list, there was one that actually reflecting what I am doing. “我受够自己每次再期中考后叫自己改过。” In fact, posts that I wrote due to lack of motivation are a lot but the number would not stop here. It`s unhealthy to lost motivation easily.. Worst to the worst, the posts used to relieve myself lost its influence and I remain unprepared for the next exam.

Would due to emotionally unsatisfied? Or the mental malnutrition and unbalance spirit diet leave me in despair? I wonder how one beat himself up each time he was in grief, lost, worst, giving up himself. Yeah Chee was right, giving up it fairly easy, what`s harder than giving up?

Aimless arrow hits the ground
Aimless zombie goes in a round

Davis get a good rest and pick up the book as you should, no excuse… Somehow I am converted into a pawn that executes commands from the superiors. Hereby, I must command Davis to pick up your books. Waste no time.

Lost Track of readMe

Irreversible upgrading of my operating system initiated everything. Owning to lack of memory in hard drive, I am forced to format it which means nothing remains. “Massacred” of the data including favourite songs, shots, sites and contact that link me with others begins with a single not-so-well-prepared click.

The very last post I had read from her is a poem which was approximately 2 months ago. If I had not lost everything that matters I would not find out that readMe is inaccessible by public. This formerly abandoned blog records all her sweet memories during high school. I hardly find any connection between her nostalgic moments with mine. It may due to high dissimilarity; I indulged myself so much in the anticipated illusion from her sharing of bits and pieces. Being informed about the different sweet sixteen as a high school student, there is so much to fancy about her interesting and never-get-bored life.

Aware of readMe`s changes, there is a strong urge driving me away from books. (This shows how susceptible I am to emotion and distraction. Can`t help it) I tried to convince myself that`s technical errors that may recover by getting hyperlink from others` blog. Hence frustrating searching started as soon as the thought stroke me. My attempts were of no avail. In fact, I realised the exact number of contact lost is way larger than I though. Despite unaccountable efforts, I wish I was brave enough to beg her for an access towards my spring. I wish I would be able to learn from her, literally, emotionally and even professionally. Her sensitive is one of the indispensable elements needed in life, more specifically doctor`s life.

God, your followers claimed that you never create problem without a remedy. Would you please show my road? Can you hear the desperate knocking on heaven`s door?

Sweet-sixteen never repeat
Lost item hardly found
Thus, handle everything with care and passion
I want my access to readMe!!!!

Distorted State

Time flies too fast for me to catch. The short break is coming to an end. My thought has been distorted since I came back from Singapore. Knowing my friends enjoying their new furnished room and the never-to-be-forgotten university life, I can only green with envy. I made my promise, I don`t wish to change my path again, BUT I am really into mathematics. I have been preparing myself to be an actuary since form 3, excluding my interest and effort spend in math since I was small. Being back in the place where I well armed myself, I can`t help thinking if I am on the best path. I know all road leads to Rome, all I need is persistence.

After reading my friend`s father`s article, I doubt my decision is best. (http://www.sinchew.com.my/node/115151) Noticing the post was May 2009, the date was near to when he knew I am going to pursue medicine. I suppose this is what he wished to tell me if I was there to listen. I really worried if this career does not fit my personalities or it requires me to rearrange my priorities. No doubt, family always comes FIRST for me. Can I meet the expected commitment required, the time needed? I take medicine due to better pay for my family and enticing career. Hopefully I am on the right track!

Forgetting the motto of the path
What`s on my mind?

I will choose again after 7 years!
Don`t let the investment block my way to become Actuary!

Home-Bed and Desk

I was at home few days back. Wow, after approximately half a year I have not sleep on my bed. The long abandoned desk after my UEC exam is still so messy after my return. Yea, home is always the best and most comfortable place to be. Not to mention the differences physically, the tranquil atmosphere washes all negative emotion toward life. What more to request?

It is always a great pleasure to be able to stay up at the silent moment of the night while everyone falls asleep. Sitting on the red old chair which is my best comrade in all the wars during high school (SPM, mid-year and year end exam, various mathematics and science contest), I reminisce the nostalgic events in my life. I used to look back very often, but last semester I was too busy to do any review. Additionally, I am not allow to stay up late in hostel couple with the heavy load of study due to my high expectation in result, I think I rarely able to ooze any time out.

Unequivocally, I met Chien most. Actually I am quite sorry for her as she had to drive home at late evening. I know I had not do my part very well these days, e.g. I did not spare much time for you during my final exam, now I had not fetch you home yet. I know you won`t mind all those minute matters, but it is a flaw if I could not complete my task. Shortly, you will join the work force. I really hope to help you out in your first step, and I believe that`s all I can I do. Having different field of study, I don’t think I can give much advice later. Anyway, I do hope I can protect you as I always do. At times, I may be harsh and criticized too much. I all hope is you are able to have smoother career. I believe you have the instinct to excel in your life. I think I am lucky enough to have you. Knowing me inside out and yet accept all the “defects”, I assume it takes considerable patient and tolerance. For examples, your investment of 7 years before I become a medical practitioner. Hopefully the path chosen brings largest benefit for us! Don`t pull out from this project too early, it definitely will be blue chip one day.

Let the First Step of the Thousand Leagues Begin

Time tick-tock unconsciously, before you realize, he has walked a thousand mile. In the entire 2009, I have been reconsidering a lot of stuff. New goals to be achieved, new challenges that wait for me, picking up new set of skill, even the routine change dramatically, everything changes due to one decision. One that dictates my entire life, one that I reluctant to make but I chose it eventually, the decision that not only affect me, but even make the love one suffers, make my dad invested wrongly, etc.

Yeah, I am sure this would be the final answer. 2010 marks the start of my new life, without hesitation, without disturbance from others, even though with seductive noise in life, I would preserve till the end! I make my promise and I will make it comes true!

Life is a journey that requires persistence.
Live happier, Learn harder!

Lose Temper

My tolerance had peaked today that I burst out scolding my roommate. I am not the one who justify his attitude but I find he was rather annoying with his commanding voice telling me what to do and what not. I know this is my short falling as I can`t bear with command from peers. (Neither mom) Yeah, I am my boss, don’t command me! I suppose I am very rebellious and caused bunch of trouble in home, upset my mom every time she tried to make me do something. I just don’t take orders!

Anyway, after reprimanded him, I felt guilty for not being able to control my emotion. A part of me thinks he deserved it, but the angel part urges me to nice to everyone. Her argument is he does not did anything wrong after all. I am the one who could not engage the conversation. But I had lost my temper and what amends the situations? I have no idea. I think saying sorry for second times will to no avail. God save me! I need salvation.

I know it sounds bad, but I doubt his sincerity in our friendship.

F for fragile
That`s why Friendship start with F.

Unbalanced State of Affection

Have you heard “I need you tonight” by Backstreet Boys? Such feeling rushes in my arteries once awhile, especially during full moon. It sounds totally ridiculous to accuse the moon for my moody and emotional ignorance. Strong sentiments drive me away from my studies, revision and a long to-do list. If you were by my side, I suppose everything will be much more different.

Give up, I told myself few years back, I knew cupid will never send her to me again. But why, I met her shadow in my class, named Love, in coincidence. Should I use the word shadow? They are two discrete figures with distinctive habit and share nothing in common. Nonetheless, I can`t help myself relating them together. For the very first place, I am not mean to be here, should not meet her and should not be her classmate. Grown up 3700km apart, seemingly we stand no chance even to meet up. Wonderfully, my delayed arrival had made these all possible.

Are these valid reasons? No! They are innocent while I am the one who should be vigilant and oblique in making choices and taking every single step. I seek for “approval” from friends to convince me that`s ok. But deep inside my heart, I strongly agree that having affairs is wrong independent what majority voted for. The seeking behavior itself reveals the devil side of me. However, how should I keep myself away from the Eden`s apple? Responsibility towards me, my roles and my counterpart, they are in diverging paths.

Whatsoever, the exam is around the corner. I have formal reason to keep it out of my mind, at least in a forceful way. Hereby I would like to share the lyrics. Feel free to download the song yourself, overall it is a sentimental song which soothe my nerves. Just for tonight, it invokes my affection, emotion—the unknown side of me.

---------------------------------------------------------------
I Need You Tonight -- Backstreet Boy
Open up your heart to me
And say what`s on your mind, oh yes
I know that we have been through so much pain
But I still need you in my life this time, and

I need you tonight
I need you right now
I know deep within my heart
It doesn`t matter if it`s wrong or right
I really need you tonight

I figured out what to say to you
But sometimes the words they, they come out so wrong, oh yes they do
And I know in time that you will understand
That what we have is so right this time, and

I need you tonight
I need you right now
I know deep within my heart
It doesn`t matter if it`s wrong or right

All those endless times
We tried to make it last forever more
And baby I know
I need you
I know deep within my heart
It doesn`t matter if it`s wrong or right
I really need you, oh

I need you tonight - I need you, oh I need you baby
I need you right now – It`s gotta be this, it`s gotta be this
I know deep within my heart
No, it doesn`t matter if it`s wrong or it`s right
All I know is baby
I really need you tonight

--------------------------------------------------------------

The seasons revolve as the clock tick-tock
Suffered under the merciless sunshine
Witnessed fall with reddish leaves
Experiencing first freezing winter

Holding promises, aim and principle
Challenged by reality
What`s at the end of this road?
God knows


p/s: mom, i am sure sooner or later you would read this post. I wish to have my privacy for this. I think no comment is needed.

Struggle in the Water

When I was around five, swimming lesson was my weekend routine. It was always a great pleasure to spend the dawn in the pool. I believe I am born lack of the gene to survive in water. The pictures of drowning in the pool are still vivid and real. Fortunate enough, my brother was always there to struggle in the water with me. Haha! Pity you, gor. Without his board shoulder, I doubt the existence of this blog. However, my weekend routine faded as my brother was diagnosed sinusitis due to swimming. Albeit I stopped swimming, I had undergone surgeries twice due to sinus.

After so many years, I am forced to swim again. My first lesson fell on early winter. Since the temperature wasn`t too low, the pool was maintained at mere 23 degrees. Wow! That`s cold! Everyone was giggling when having breaks in the pool. Today was my second lesson. Thank god, they heated the water at a nice 27 degrees. After drinking chlorine water and cramping at the side of the pool, I wonder if my long abandoned skill improves.



I had a date with a maple tree during autumn,
Rosy orange leaf is so adorable and irresistible.

Dusk in NDMC, NTU and USJ4

I had a few basketball games during my PE lesson. Collaborate with 之豪and傢誠, some of my best buddies in NDMC, the games were at the best in all aspect. Despite the adrenaline-rushing moment, I appreciate the laughter from the game rather than the game itself.

Few years back I had a broke up and started to pick up basketball to wear me out so that I would be able to sleep tight at night. The courts recorded predicament as well as the joy found in basketball. Sport is a very good medium for bonding which brings strangers together. The view of the sunset in USJ4 court is breathtaking!
During my happiest time in my life in NTU, playing basketball is more than a sport. It is a social activity which you get to know a lot of seniors and friends who share the same interest. Joining them would help you kill SOME of your free time. (As you would be too free in university, nothing can actually keep you unavailable for the whole day) This court has the memory of walking for 10 mins just to play basketball. Dusk is not as spectacular but it is memorable.

This evening, crossing up my arms looking at the twilight exudes at 101, I had snap shot the scenery filled with orange radiances and joy of basketball. Blending myself and the new community together, I realized that you have to let go before you can pick up new stuff.


Radiance of the dusk blend with the laughter,
Reminisced and recorded the basketball court.

Cool quote

"Which way are you going? The left one where there is nothing right? Or the right one, where there is nothing left?"

Haha, even though we mix up the direction... you still can differentiate left from right?

The Night Before my Chinese Examination

Freedom is the ultimate of our life. We are all seeking freedom in all aspect, financially and physically. That`s why detention sounds horrible to most people. I was the one who send me here, gave up my rights as an ordinary undergraduate. Forced to spend the essence of the day in chores, giving up the best hours for study in the mid nights, etc, I wonder do these worth it? Who can guarantee a better life in future, a better job in terms of money and job prospect? Mom I would really like to let you down, I am really suffering so much here. I can`t remember when I smiled from the bottom of my heart, there weren`t a moment that I really enjoyed myself here. Did I have any? Ya, I admitted that I was not down and emo all the time.

But back to question; does going back worth all the investment spent? Dad is going to have a golden hand shake from his company, yet I am still wondering with my university (which should be done 2 years back). I was once procrastinating in NTU, I was once homesick. Davis, you must pull yourself together, bear all the stress and tackle all the problems of your life. You must not freak out whenever you lost emotional and spiritual guidance. Your heart will bring you through the life. Ya, you are interested in mathematics, but your love is greater! Undoubted, I love the career that help others, engage with different personality every day.

Not to be result orientated, flying colors in the papers are not the goal in life. Effort spent is not only justified by the numbers. Yeah, I lost my glory in study and I was not top here despite theoretically equal effort spent. These are no valid reason for leaving. I wonder who can give me a valid reason to quit or to change one decision that you mean to be final.

What justified in life? Money? Love? Passion? Family? Myself? If it is for me to justify, what shall I choose… Lost…

I learned to suppress my emotion, but not good enough to prevent this post.

Call It A Day

The disaster started when a bee stung my foot. After my shower, I was preparing to study my mid-term when the sudden pain from leg caught my attention. I was curious about the sharp irritation until I saw a bee on the floor. Oh my god, what a bee, why do you sting me?

As the normal procedure, I went for medical treatment. The treatments were more suffering than the bee sting. I had two injections, one for anti-inflammation and the other for tetanus. The question still bugs me a lot, why do I need a tetanus injection for a bee stung? The nurses and doctors did not even explain why the injection is needed.

Does the side-effect of those injections include sleepy? They cost me more than rm100 and a very important night study. I planned to finish my biology revision that night. Gosh, the very first thing I do when I reached my room is sleep. There the night went, tranquil and easy.

Obviously, I would not do well in my biology midterm examination today. Though I am not a result orientated person, I can’t forgive myself for carelessly answer so many question which I am so sure of the answer. I had no idea what`s bugging me during the exam. I even did my checking twice.

Anyway, it worth celebration since the mid term is coming to an end. This means that the journey back to home is nearer! WOOHOO.

Arg!!! I am 57kg...

Gosh~~~ Few days back, I went to the hospital to interview some cancer patients for my report. While waiting for the patients, I wonder how heavy I am. From the statistic, skinny returning from the military training will gain weight (better way to admit the weight gained). Seeing the merciless pointer turning, I was so shock when it stopped at 57. Oh my god. I gained more than 5 kg. This is just too much. I don’t think my muscle growth as much as 5kg. A 10% increase does not sound or feel sweet. Looking in the photos took before I came to Taiwan, I am fat!

Gr... Are lazy and procrastinate in the process of adapting?

Gosh, I lost my motivation again. I wonder why I am reluctant to study. Having two exams in this week but I had not prepare for any. Lost in the past year exams, on the contrary, I am slacking in my room.

When would I get used to the life in NDMC, I can`t even study well. I am not self discipline enough. I recall when I first arrive in NTU. I was not comfortable too. Fortunately, everything is so easy for me and I was able to do well. Will the lucky star shine on me here? Hope so!

284 versus 179

179 was the bus I used to take whenever I wish to shop around the crowded city. On the other hand, 284 is the bus I take every weekend recently. Living in two totally different cultures and pursuing my future in two fields that have nothing in common. Alone on the shaking bus drove by reckless driver recall my memory. Bus drivers in Taipei are as skillful as those in Singapore, Sudden breaking, kissing the ass of other vehicles, but never an accident.

During the camp, I was not aware of the changes though I was told over and over again. I had changed mentally and physically and I find it is irreversible. Does this sound like a process of maturity? Does rational needs to give up your emotion? Reading the previous posts, I wonder who Davis Lee is. Dating the past, I find myself without much feeling towards my life. I lost my sense!

My proficiency in English is declining. Completing this little post is such a hard task… Gosh, there are many things to brush up! I need my mood and passion! Where is my motivation? Someone please inspire me…

God bless ME!

Where is my listener?

Life in Taiwan has never been easy and relax. Report due tomorrow, crazy notes that need to amend a lot, rooms and hostel environment have to reach the high standard of hygiene. I salute to those who are able to balance themselves in NDMC, damn slackers who cross-up their hand waiting for others to complete the job. I hope I could be rebellious and aggressive to break the stringent rules and dont give a damn to those slackers. I hope I am irrational and give up all the effort and resources spent here.

I wonder do doctors suffer so much? Is my stress-tolerance incapable to take such great responsibility? I wonder why I was so excited in sharing my awareness in actuarial sciences, but so sad when I was back to reality.

I have high expectation in you, Crore Elaine Soong. Like a dad yearning for his daughter to complete what he hadn`t. Like a brother sharing his thought but not to force or being pompous. Though you are aware of the hardship and pressure as an actuary, I know with your passion and less pressure from family, you can do your best, pursue what you hope. If you failed, leave no regret. Dont freak out like a coward, dont give up like me. I hope I`m passionate when I graduate as a doctor, joining you in the financial industry, forget about all the investment that prevent me from changing my career.

Woody Lee. As your bro, I hope to tell you that pursue what you like. Dont repeat my mistake by thinking you could turn back. Sometimes the environment itself forces you to continue, sometimes your mom`s love prevents you from failing her expectation, most of the time you will feel you waste all your effort. 決定,it is so clear in Chinese that decision is not suppose to be change. DO CHOOSE PASSIONATELY AND NOT WISELY. You will be successful even you are not a doctor or a lawyer. They earn a lot because they do suffer as much as they gain. Dont judge a book by its cover, dont judge a career by what you hear. Follow your interest and hearts will bring you to your destiny!

Family First

Chinese practice Confucius, they emphasize on filial piety, a respect to the parents and ancestors. In spite of the years of Chinese education received, I did not do my job as a son, as a brother. As I read through my brother`s Facebook album, I found that he is not the guy I am familiar to anymore. I don`t know how he looks like currently, I don’t know how`s he doing, I know nothing about him. He is so unfamiliar to me. I am sorry bro!

Mom was right. We are not united. We don`t even talk to each other once a month. I had a conversation with my bro 6 months ago. GOSH! This is freaking long ago. This is not ok, but what can I do? What will we do?

I wonder how other siblings are. As far as I know, most siblings are close, they share their secret, and they take initiative to meet up. Do we? Do I?

How regretful I am does not help much. I wonder how we could break this ice together. How we update each other and care about each other. Precisely, how would I be genuine with my family. I can`t remember when had I be naked in front of my family.

I love you, dad, mom, bros and sis! I know how much you all concern about me. I know we never want this kind of relationship. What should we do?