284 versus 179

179 was the bus I used to take whenever I wish to shop around the crowded city. On the other hand, 284 is the bus I take every weekend recently. Living in two totally different cultures and pursuing my future in two fields that have nothing in common. Alone on the shaking bus drove by reckless driver recall my memory. Bus drivers in Taipei are as skillful as those in Singapore, Sudden breaking, kissing the ass of other vehicles, but never an accident.

During the camp, I was not aware of the changes though I was told over and over again. I had changed mentally and physically and I find it is irreversible. Does this sound like a process of maturity? Does rational needs to give up your emotion? Reading the previous posts, I wonder who Davis Lee is. Dating the past, I find myself without much feeling towards my life. I lost my sense!

My proficiency in English is declining. Completing this little post is such a hard task… Gosh, there are many things to brush up! I need my mood and passion! Where is my motivation? Someone please inspire me…

God bless ME!

Where is my listener?

Life in Taiwan has never been easy and relax. Report due tomorrow, crazy notes that need to amend a lot, rooms and hostel environment have to reach the high standard of hygiene. I salute to those who are able to balance themselves in NDMC, damn slackers who cross-up their hand waiting for others to complete the job. I hope I could be rebellious and aggressive to break the stringent rules and dont give a damn to those slackers. I hope I am irrational and give up all the effort and resources spent here.

I wonder do doctors suffer so much? Is my stress-tolerance incapable to take such great responsibility? I wonder why I was so excited in sharing my awareness in actuarial sciences, but so sad when I was back to reality.

I have high expectation in you, Crore Elaine Soong. Like a dad yearning for his daughter to complete what he hadn`t. Like a brother sharing his thought but not to force or being pompous. Though you are aware of the hardship and pressure as an actuary, I know with your passion and less pressure from family, you can do your best, pursue what you hope. If you failed, leave no regret. Dont freak out like a coward, dont give up like me. I hope I`m passionate when I graduate as a doctor, joining you in the financial industry, forget about all the investment that prevent me from changing my career.

Woody Lee. As your bro, I hope to tell you that pursue what you like. Dont repeat my mistake by thinking you could turn back. Sometimes the environment itself forces you to continue, sometimes your mom`s love prevents you from failing her expectation, most of the time you will feel you waste all your effort. 決定,it is so clear in Chinese that decision is not suppose to be change. DO CHOOSE PASSIONATELY AND NOT WISELY. You will be successful even you are not a doctor or a lawyer. They earn a lot because they do suffer as much as they gain. Dont judge a book by its cover, dont judge a career by what you hear. Follow your interest and hearts will bring you to your destiny!

Family First

Chinese practice Confucius, they emphasize on filial piety, a respect to the parents and ancestors. In spite of the years of Chinese education received, I did not do my job as a son, as a brother. As I read through my brother`s Facebook album, I found that he is not the guy I am familiar to anymore. I don`t know how he looks like currently, I don’t know how`s he doing, I know nothing about him. He is so unfamiliar to me. I am sorry bro!

Mom was right. We are not united. We don`t even talk to each other once a month. I had a conversation with my bro 6 months ago. GOSH! This is freaking long ago. This is not ok, but what can I do? What will we do?

I wonder how other siblings are. As far as I know, most siblings are close, they share their secret, and they take initiative to meet up. Do we? Do I?

How regretful I am does not help much. I wonder how we could break this ice together. How we update each other and care about each other. Precisely, how would I be genuine with my family. I can`t remember when had I be naked in front of my family.

I love you, dad, mom, bros and sis! I know how much you all concern about me. I know we never want this kind of relationship. What should we do?

Slave in NDMC

Again I am year 1 in a new university, NDMC. Honestly speaking, I am not used to the rules and regulation at all. I am like a kindergarten student. Besides class attendance, we need to take attendance 3 times per day. It is freaking time consuming and meaningless.

In addition, rooms must be dustless. A scrap of dust spoilt all the effort and time spend on cleaning. There is no grey area. I find no way to meet their definition of clean. This is totally crazy! On the contrary, I find my English too poor to descript my captain`s room! Things aren`t in its place, shirts hanged around the room. It seems they haven`t clean their room for 10 years!

With the requirement to be met, I could only find 1 word to descript the food, sanitary. The choice given is even less than a primary school`s canteen. I find some food is “inedible” to me.

This system is too demanding and no welfare at all. I spend most of my time to meet the requirement more than on my study. I am practically cleaner in this school.

At the eleventh hour

7.04 p.m. September 6, 2009

A brand new chapter starts in approximately 1 hour. I am anxious about the life as a military student. My roomies and I had try our best to prevent the X`s. I have tried my best to adopt the life here. Hopefully things work out right and smooth.

Today, I went to the library and log on to my favourite book—facebook. Though it is not significant activity, I felt much better after the 2 hours. One year ago, I spent more than 4 hours per day on this page. One year ago, I was enjoying the freedom I had yearned for so many years. It recorded my most enjoyable life I had. How I hope I am back in NTU, making successful event with friends, having supper at midnight, (to be honest) wasting time around NTU.

After enjoying the priceless freedom for 6 days, I found “my place” in NDMC at last—Library. I felt much freer and less regulated in the library. Time spent in library is luxury!

As the clock tick-tock, time passed slowly and unconsciously. I should put on my uniform and be prepare for my first battle!

All for one, and one for all!

Reported by, Botak Davis

Restricted Freedom

I am free from the monotonic military camp. Life is never worst than the days in the camp. However, my expectation was not met currently, compare to NTU. Though physically I am settling down, I am emotionally unsatisfied. Despite travelling around the adventurous and interesting Taipei, I do not enjoy very much, mostly due to I have to compromise with some very different ideology and cultural. It is my fault to discriminate.

Sometimes I felt grief because I still have to suffer for such a long time despite I gave up so much in NTU. After reading redpepper`s post--Sweet 16, I am invoked. I really wish to know how I feel when I first start my uni life in NTU. The memory is not vivid as I am not able to read my blog currently. The songs I used to listen evoke the sweet memories. I know why I am here, but I can`t help myself indulge in the past. I am really someone who refuses to changes. I am getting more stubborn as I am elder. Again it is my fault because I am not able to open up my mind.

Knowing my friends are heading and ending their year 2 uni life make me so emotional. I envy their freedom. Despite the love and earnest caring from new friends and family, I feel the loneliness and misery as a military student. I have no idea why I have to overcome all this unnecessary predicament when I could be like other s enjoying their 20`s. I question my decision made, I question myself, and it is so regretful!

I would adopt the life in Taiwan, sis said. It is very contradict to confess that I don’t really hope that would happen, and I would back in NTU. Rationally this won`t work very well as I am 1 semester lag and others will not look at me positively. Anyway, I might feel better if I really went back. Sometimes I fancy what if I insisted to go back this semester despite all the love and support from mom. Mom`s expectation might be the only support that makes me through the training, but it is very sorry to admit that I felt pressured more than love. If I am did not complete the training, I would be much happier though my future would be uncertain. Now I deeply understand the importance to being passionate. Please understand that I am not blaming mom for what I am now. It is all my decision and I am the only one who responsible for it.

Maybe there are too much comparison, maybe I am not determined enough to wait for the fruits. I want to go back NTU, can I?

New horizon to pursue

At last, my life flipped into a brand new chapter. I was still wondering, what I would be if I stand till the end. The more mysterious it is, the more attractive it is to me. Nevertheless, the road is too dark for me. I may be tired of the effortless life in NTU, in the contrary; I may grow accustomed to the easy life style there.

The most precious lesson I learn from economics, you never predict the future accurately! You can only find remedies and explanations for crisis; and this is good enough. Spend your effort on your work would bear more fruit than finding shortcut.

It is always easy to say but hard to practice. Who is not aware of the philosophy of life? I would never stop dreaming what I would be if... (As I had been doing when I am in NTU) I am made to choose my interest first. To let me regret and do what I should do. If the journey is set so, why would I think anymore? There are arrangements from the universe (if u dun believe in god). There are things that can`t be advise by logical thinking. Just take it and fight like a man. Bring the glorious victory home with smile on face but sore all over the body. Life is nothing but a process.